”I am so excited to write this column! As a frontline advocate for those needing a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or somebody to vent to, my mission is simple: helping the hurt heal. I welcome you to write me with any concerns that you may have as it relates to spirituality, Christianity, and the Church.”
My husband John and I are co-pastors at a flourishing mega church. We have several ministries that address many of the needs of our parishioners, including a singles ministry, a marriage ministry, a prison ministry, and a food cupboard, amongst others. We even have a new moms’ ministry, to which I am very excited about. You see, we have struggled with infant loss on several occasions. Due to a traumatic assault that happened to me as a young girl, my uterus has difficulty supporting a baby. As a result, I have suffered from over six miscarriages. During my last pregnancy, I delivered our son Malachi at five months. Sadly, he lived only a few hours outside the womb before the Angels took him home. My husband wants to keep trying; however, I physically, emotionally, and mentally can’t take any more babies dying. He just doesn’t understand my pain.
I have identified Sarah as a young single mother in our church, she presently has six children, all under the age of five (including two sets of twins). She states that multiple births run in her family and that she is very fertile. I approached her and asked her i she would be interested in being a surrogate for Pastor and me with a sizable financial donation to her. She happily agreed and said that she would be honored to birth our child for us. Once I told my husband about the agreement Sarah and I had made, he was livid! He told me that our personal business about the miscarriages is ours and not the church. He also believes that He will do so when God is ready to bless us with conceiving, carrying, and delivering our own children. John says that using a surrogate is not of God, and he will not participate.
I am so heartbroken; I don’t know what to do. I do know that I cannot mentally take losing another baby. John is also against adoption. Please advise me on what to do in this sticky situation.
Signed,
Motherless Mary
Greetings Motherless Mary,
First and foremost, you have my deepest empathy for the painful loss of your babies. I recognize that each of those occurrences left you mentally and emotionally drained, in addition to the physical toll on your body and
reproductive system. Concerning John, I am sure that seeing his wife hurt is not a pleasurable experience for him either. He is prayerfully confident that the two of you will eventually carry and deliver your own biological child. His steadfast faith, although admirable, is hurtful due to his lack of empathy. Part of the challenge is his failure to recognize that you are physically and mentally exhausted. Not to mention the risks of debilitating postpartum depression. I would suggest scheduling an appointment for both of you to meet with your obstetrician-gynecologist and the infertility specialist. Perhaps, hearing directly from the medical experts will give him an alternate perspective. As you navigate this bumpy chapter in your union, you and John will also benefit from a marriage counselor. Ultimately,it will be difficult for your marriage to survive without the appropriate intervention and counsel. Prayerfully, John will be receptive to viewing parenting as a broad spectrum and not limited to biological children. There are many children searching for a forever home. I sincerely pray that you can provide this child-rearing opportunity in unison. Psalm 113:9 states, “He maketh
the barren woman to keep house, And to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD”.
Many blessings and success!
Deaconess Debra
