The reasons we marry are as countless as the number of sand grains on a beach. Most times, it usually comes down to love. We see in our spouse that ‘thing’ that other men and women don’t have. They understand us and know how to touch our hearts, exclusively. We see a future, happiness and a level of peace that can only be attained with someone worthy of our devotion.
Somewhere along the line, reality settles in and we gravitate away from the very reasons that brought us together. Even the way we communicate changes from those warm ‘Thank you Sweethearts’ to that cold inconsiderate silence of nothing.
Every couple faces their own issues and challenges, brought on by society’s ever changing definition of what it should be… and our own desire for more.
When God first established marriage, He did something very special. Not only did He create the perfect companion for each other, but through His wisdom ‘they became one flesh’ (Gen.2:24) It’s very important that you keep this in mind as you think about where ‘marriage’ is today and how far away from God’s original desire for mankind has come.
Some people today refer to marriage as a ‘Business Arrangement’ and they refer to themselves as ‘Business Partners’… so as to establish some kind of equality before they are wed. But this is not what God established.
With so many talk shows, and people giving advice on relationships, it should surprise no one, that marriage is failing so. They talk about ‘fighting fair’ and ‘dating your spouse’ and how to heat up your bedroom again. If you walk in to your local bookstore, you’ll find entire sections devoted to relationship fixes and how to be a better spouse. These authors and hosts (some not actually married, but giving marital advice) base their opinions from personal experiences and from what you’ve shared overtly and unwittingly. The answers and solutions are generally recycled… they’re just adjusted to give the impression that its somehow, new. And because our desire for things to ‘get better’ is so great, we pay little attention to the sources.
There are three things, that if you pray on them and seek The Lord’s help, will guarantee you a better understanding of what God’s plan is for you in your marriage.
FIRST: Become One Flesh
This is the first of three missing links in marriage today. Marriage has become everything but, what it was designed to be. Before a man and a woman come together, they must understand what it means to ‘become one flesh’. It would be advisable to sit down with ones pastor or religious leader, to have this explained to the point there is mutual understanding. If your current understanding forces you to see things as ‘His & Hers’, ‘Mine & Yours’ then it’s time you sat down with someone.
Let’s look at Adam & Eve and how they became ‘one flesh’. Regardless of who disobeyed first, the end result was that they were both guilty. Even in their punishments, God’s Mercy & Wisdom was evident. (Gen.3:15-21) He took the fig leaves they had sewn together and gave them something better. In our world today, it is so easy for men and women to separate and divorce each other over some of the most immature things, but here, Adam & Eve remain together. They were once in the comforts of the garden, and found themselves in a wilderness. Neither of them behaved as if they knew what was next, instead they learned and grew together… as one flesh.
This means they faced and shared in the difficulties and the prosperities of life, together. They didn’t try to take advantage of each other or cause the other harm. Their basic understanding of becoming one flesh was simple… anything I do to you, I’m doing to myself.
What if couples today entered into marriage with this basic understanding?
Prayer – Dear Heavenly Father, help me to better understand Your Will for me in my marriage. Help me to be a better spouse and bring us closer in love, as we draw closer to You as one flesh. Re-teach us kindness and consideration towards each other. And Lord, give us a boldness in our love for one another that only You can give. In Jesus Name, Amen.
SECOND: Pray Together
Praying together is a two-fold blessing. Not only are you kneeling before your Creator in submission, but your choice of words are revealing and intimate. To listen to your spouse speak to God, in His presence about you, is one of the most intimate things you can do with your spouse.
Why is it so intimate? When we pray, we must automatically know there is nothing we can hide. We are imperfect and in need of His Mercy, daily. We know that we are speaking to The One who can fix, heal and bless. In that humility, we speak a truth worthy of His presence.
Prayer is a state of mind. Maintaining a prayerful state of mind, allows The Lord to work through us as well as in us. It also allows us to recognize when He is working through and in our spouse. Maintaining a prayerful state of mind, forces us to check ourselves and be mindful of the energy and message we give our spouse.
Praying couples have an advantage… because they know and recognize their own need for God’s Mercy, and to best show Him that they need it, they bestow their own mercy on their spouse. Almost every sentiment we seek from God, we should already be showing our spouse. Even after a long day, it takes all of a couple minutes to express love, especially to one we see every day (1 John 4:20).
There is a confidence and security that is nurtured, when spouses pray together and for each other. It’s like when we were kids, and we caught a cold… we sometimes enjoyed being sick knowing that mom or grandma would be taking care of us. Praying together should bring that same comfort. We should be able to go to work or take care of the kids, knowing that our spouse is praying for us… and when we come together to pray, that’s when I need to show gratitude to The Lord for bringing us together.
Praying together doesn’t require hours of sweat and tears. Remember, you are one flesh… so you can agree beforehand what to pray about. If there’s layoffs at work, if you’re in need of more physical intimacy, if you’re trying to improve your communication… these are things couples can agree to.
Prayer – Dear Heavenly Father, with so much going on in our lives, we sometimes forget how important prayer is for our marriage. Help us Lord, to establish regular prayers together. Even with busy schedules, we need to take time out together to turn to You. With so many distractions, and even more reasons why we can’t, help us to see beyond the excuses, and embrace the one reason why… You are ‘Jehovah-Jireh’, The Lord Will Provide. In Jesus Name, Amen.
THIRD: Forgiveness
Of the three, forgiveness seems to be the one that has all but vanished, on purpose. The greatest enemy to marriage today is ‘Society’. It seems to have the ability to change the standards any time it wants, and we are all too quick to adjust our lives to fit in.
Arguing is so commonly accepted now, that many of these reality shows would all but fail, if they didn’t include the obligatory ‘drama’. They argue, curse and fight solely for the purpose of gaining more ratings. The louder you are, the more abusive you are, and the more tears you shed, the more people will watch you. Unfortunately this has affected marriages all over the United States. One spouse will watch a show and become totally engulfed in the acting, and somehow internalize what’s going on. Then, after a long day at work or home, when you finally get to sit down with your spouse, you find that something else is consuming their thoughts, not you. Even worst, one wrong word and you’ll find yourself the victim of something that had nothing to do with you.
Most couples will admit that they’re imperfect, as individuals… but as a married couple, you are no longer individuals, you are one flesh and therefore, anything that harms you, will harm your spouse.
Grudges are a mainstay in our society today. Not only do we hold on to wrongs that are done to us, we gladly remind that person (in case they’ve moved on). Today’s argument over not spending time, somehow includes every single incident of not spending time together. Yesterday’s argument over cooking, somehow includes the last cooking fiasco.
When it comes to forgiveness, how easy do we look to and hold our spouses to a standard that we exempt ourselves per circumstance. “(Love) does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong (suffered)” (1 Corinthians.13:5). This bears to ask, ‘How do we forget a wrong, done to us?’ Theft, Lying, Cheating, Manipulating, Abuse… I could go on and on, but you already know the sort of things in a marriage that we tend to hold on to. Does God really expect us to treat our spouse with love after an abuse, the same as we would any other time? To find the answer to that we must turn to Ephesians 5:22-31. While in prison, the Apostle Paul wrote this letter to encourage the church and to remind them that it is hard work to be and remain in unity with others, and to be ‘imitators of God’ (5:1). He speaks various truths about the concept of marriage and the varying responsibilities of a marriage. He further emphasizes his point by describing the sanctity of marriage as ‘Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her’ (5:25). He goes on to reinforce his point that husbands are to love their wives, ‘as their own bodies’ and to also love their wives, ‘even as himself’ (v28 and v33).
The wisdom of Apostle Paul’s letter wasn’t limited to husbands. This is also where we get the controversial (for some) ‘Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord’ (5:22). The concept of submission has been tainted over the years and is viewed as some means of subservience, when submission is simply a ‘deep commitment to a person’, like how the church should be with Christ. Still, biblical submission in marriage is servant hood, not enslavement. If we keep this in mind, as Paul speaks to married couples, and compares it to how we should be with Christ, submission takes on a more pure dimension.
Forgiveness in marriage not only becomes more viable, but a more effective means to maintain love. Why would I hold onto something that I know will cause me harm or death. We know that holding on to such things can manifest itself in our health and our peace of mind. But how do we forget? Infidelity is one of those things that seem impossible to move beyond. Society has created such an atmosphere of non-forgiveness and spite, that you seem the strange one if you show Mercy, Love, Compassion and Forgiveness to your own spouse. Remember, Paul used the example of how Christ so loved the church that He gave Himself up for her’. Think about that for a moment. Think about all the things the church has done, all the drama and infidelity, all the lying and theft (at that time and now), yet somehow Christ’s love for the church was so strong that He not only forgave, but He gave his life for her.
I can’t ask you in good conscious to simply forget a transgression done against you. What I’m suggesting is that we teach ourselves how to let them go. If we hold on to them, you make room for the enemy. “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter.5:8). We look to, desire and sometimes expect God to forgive us, and not throw our transgressions back in our face, especially when we’re in need of a blessing. Jesus’s knowledge of mankind understood our shortcomings, and His Compassion and Mercy, extended outward, to cover things we hadn’t yet done. In Matthew 6.14-15 Jesus explains why it’s important to forgive and what happens when we can’t.
Forgiveness is a process. It is a state of mind that requires work, for some of us, a lot of work.
Prayer – Dear Heavenly Father, with some things, I find it easy to forgive and move on, but with others, it is most difficult. I ask you Lord, to increase in me a heart of love and forgiveness for my spouse. In spite of what this world may think, bless me to extend my love, so that it covers my spouse daily. Bless our communications, so that no thing goes unaddressed and left to fester. Thank you for Your sacrifice Lord, and teach me to sacrifice for my marriage. Restore and renew a desire in me to work at my marriage, knowing that our adversary is walking to and fro, waiting for one of us to invite him in. Give us strength and vision Oh Lord, to always find the good in our spouse, and to let our lights shine… for each other. In Jesus Name, Amen.
