Dear Deaconess Debra,
I am a trustee at my church, and I have been married to my beautiful wife for the last thirty years. We have struggled with intimacy for several years, as she’s not interested and states her libido is low. She has also gained considerable weight, which maybe affecting her self-esteem. Although, her size doesn’t bother me. I reached out to you because I work closely with a married woman in my department at work. About a year ago, we began working on a project that forced us to spend a considerable amount of time together. She revealed that she, too, was struggling in her relationship at home for different reasons. As such, we begin an emotional affair that quickly turned sexual. Now here we are, and I don’t know how to end it or if I want to end it. She makes me feel emotions that I haven’t felt in years. I hate to lose that and go back to staleness, no intimacy, and predictableness. It’s difficult for either of us to depart our marriages because of the finances, kids, and grandkids. However, I do recognize that we are sinning by committing adultery. If my church found out, I would be kicked off the Trustee Board. I am so conflicted. Please tell me how to proceed. Signed, Cheating Charlie Dear Charlie, The institution of marriage is both admired and admonished by many, as it is as rewarding as it is challenging. It is perfectly normal to have ebbs and flows in terms of intimacy. It can be challenging to maintain the same level of passion as when the relationship is new. Experts advise that couples retain their union’s freshness by doing couple things like continuing to court one another, keeping one’s appearance up, being spontaneous, and of course, affection. When those things are in abundance, it is more difficult for someone else to come into the picture. Couples need to “guard their spaces” by avoiding close and alone proximity and relationships with the opposite sex. This dynamic can often occur in workplaces, and many times the paramour is a colleague. Do you and your wife have routine date nights? Do you make sure that you are still attractive to them? Are you hugging, kissing, and professing your love for one another daily? If the answers are no, I can see how this affair happened in the first place. “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous”(Hebrews 13:4).”You shall not commit adultery”(Exodus 20:14).”He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself”(Proverbs6:32).You have some tough decisions to make.
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One of which includes ending this outside relationship immediately. Morally and spiritually, you know that it is not within God’s will. I would suggest that you enter into counseling solo to work on your stuff first. I would also suggest that you attend marriage counseling with a licensed therapist outside of your church. If your wife is willing to go, there is no need to involve church folks unnecessarily in your business. I would also suggest taking a hi at us from any ministries at the church until you know that you are living according to the Bible. The counselor will assist you with the when, how, and if to share your transgressions with your wife. These suggestions, of course, are with the assumption that you want to work through your marriage. However, if you feel as if you are in love with this other woman, then both of you need to work on dissolving your marriages immediately. Legal counsel will provide you with the tools to determine financial equity, child support, custody issues, and etcetera. I hope that you can work through your marriage. Your relationship is not the first to struggle with infidelity, and you can get through it if you’re both willing to move forward and she forgives you. “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, cleanses us from all sin”(1John1:7).
Best wishes to you both! Blessings, Deaconess Debra
