I was raised in a Southern household and I was always taught to respect my elders. This meant saying, “yes ma’am, no ma’am, yes sir, no sir”, when walking in a room to speak to everyone, and not cursing in front of your parents or any other adults, among other ill-mannered behaviors.
I was also taught that if a child got out of line, then they would receive a whipping.
My husband and I are raising a set of thirteen-year old twins, a boy and a girl. My son is the sweetest and most respectful kid on the planet. However, my daughter…….whew! She always has to back talk, roll her eyes or suck her teeth when we chastise her. It’s really aggravating to us as parents.
Recently, she really got out of line and swore at me when I caught a boy coming out of the house when we weren’t home. At that point my husband had had enough of her disrespect and slapped her so hard, that it left a bruise on her face and broke her glasses. Now she is threating to call Child Protective Services. She’s also saying that she is going to make a post on our church’s website that her father is physically abusive. My husband is the pastor by the way. She won’t listen to me discouraging her about telling our family business. Now, I don’t know what to say or do if she carries through on her threats.
Signed,
Intimidated Isabella,
Dear Isabella,
I too believe in the honor of respect, especially as it pertains to our elders. In fact it seems as if much of that has been lost or not passed on to the younger generations. I also agree with you that raising teenagers, in particular young women can be extremely mentally taxing. They are often times trying to exert their budding womanhood and the constant resistance to parental directives can cause one to be reactionary in the response. However, I am in disagreement with the manner in which your husband physically handled the situation. His strength as a grown man in comparison to a young girl is no match for her to withstand a blow from him. I believe that his response was totally emotionally reactive, and put him in a position of losing control. In my opinion corporal punishment is an appropriate response to discipline, however that is an extreme difference to abuse. Which is what your husband was doing by slapping her in the face breaking her glasses. According to Proverbs 13:24, “ He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly”.
A more constructive method of handling this situation would have been to punish her by withholding activities or things that she cares about. For young adults their identities are often shaped around their abilities to interact with their peers. This happens predominantly through their electronic devices like mobile phones, tablets, computers and social media access. I have personally found this to be extremely effective in countering negative teenager behavior. In addition, to prohibiting her from participating in an activity that she may enjoy like a sports team or community program she may be involved in. In addition, a conversation about sexual health is warranted as well. You definitely do not want your teenage daughter getting pregnant or contracting a sexually transmitted infection from an encounter with this young man. At this point, I would suggest sitting down with her and having a heart to heart to discussion on what both of your expectations are as parents of her. Let her know that you love her unconditionally and that her behavior and attitude are creating a wedge between you. Your husband should also apologize to her about striking her, and also assuring her that in the future he will walk away if he ever gets that angry again. Family counseling may also be an option as well if she continues to be disgruntled.
If your daughter carries through on her threats with posting on the church website and with Child Protective Services (CPS), you do have some options. In regards to the post, the website administrator can immediately remove her post and restrict individuals from posting without approval first. Another option is your husband could make a statement on the website about the challenges of parenting teenagers and ask the church to pray for his family during this tumultuous time. If an investigator does comes to the home, be honest about what happened and share the above steps that you both are taking to get your family back on the right track. This stance will create more transparency and the agency will be in position to provide any needed outside family supports. A CPS report does not always equate to removing the child from the home or charging the parents with neglect or abuse. The majority of the situations typically warrant the parents needing additional guidance, intervention or assistance. Parenting is one of life’s toughest jobs, however it is also one of the most rewarding. Hang in there, I’m prayerful that it will all work out. Please keep me updated!
Blessings,
Deaconess Debra
