”I am so excited to write this column! As a front-line advocate for those needing a listening ear, shoulder to cry on, or somebody to vent to, my mission is simple: helping the hurt heal. I welcome you to write me with any concerns that you may have as it relates to spirituality, Christianity, and the Church. I will answer your inquiries honestly, competently, morally, and biblically. God Bless!”
Dear Deaconess Debra,
I am a bit embarrassed to address this topic. However, I believe that you can guide me in the best way to deal with this situation. A few weeks ago, my husband mistakenly left his phone at home when he was at work. He called back home from his desk phone and asked me to look up a phone number in his contacts that he needed. While looking for the number, I noticed that he had several windows/applications open. The windows were all to gay pornography websites. There also appeared to have been chat dialog between him and other individuals. Now I don’t know what to do. Should I confront him about the pornography or not? Could my husband be gay? I’m so confused and hurt. Please note that he is the assistant pastor at our church.
Signed,
Outing Olivia
Dear Olivia,
I believe that you need to have an open and honest conversation with your husband. There are several issues of concern here. If he is engaging in pornography frequently, he may have a sexual addiction. According to Medical News Today, addiction is defined as more than just an extreme interest in something. It is a medical condition that can change the brain and body and causes the person to feel bound to continue an activity despite the risk of harm. Addiction can alter the dopamine system, which creates feelings of reward or gratification. Over time the body may produce less dopamine and rely on the activity of a substance to create excitement. Pornography can activate this system as well.
Further, if he is interested and “enjoying” men have sex with other men, he may be bi-sexual, gay, or just curious. There is a broad continuum of sexual arousal and behaviors that cannot be placed in a narrow box. However, if he is having dialogues with these individuals via an app, that may indicate infidelity. At the very least, it is inappropriate behavior for a married man. “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.” Colossians 3:5. Given that he is a man of the cloth is all the more pertinent reason that an open discussion is had with your spouse. Please come from a place of peace versus judgment so that you will be in a position of understanding. This way, you can better decide how to move forward with the resolution and whatever that may look like for your marriage. I wish you well!
Blessings,
Deaconess Debra
