Dear Deaconess Debra,
My husband and I struggled with infertility issues for 10 years before finally conceiving twins, a boy and a girl.
Our children have been the highlight of our lives and have excelled in multiple areas. Which includes
being respectful, intelligent, musically inclined, saved, and college graduates. At only twenty-five they were already
accomplished for their young age and had a bright future ahead of them. Tragically, this past New Year’s Eve all of
our lives were changed forever. As the twins were headed home in my daughter’s car after an evening of celebrating, their
vehicle was riddled with bullets in a case of mistaken identity. Our son was killed instantly and died in our daughter’s arm.
She was also shot, though her injuries were not life-threatening. As a result of the violent trauma, she now suffers from
debilitating PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Most days she is bed-ridden with grief. She lost her job as an engineer
because she was unable to mentally function at work. We are trying so hard to emotionally support our only surviving child, and
also deal with the grief that we are also suffering from losing our beloved and beautiful boy. In addition, I am extremely
angry at God for taking away my only son. As a result, I have stopped praying, attending worship service and believing.
How could a God that says he loves us, cause so much hurt and harm to our family? My husband suggested that I
write to you for some guidance, since I will not speak with the pastor at my former church. He states that he feels as if he
has lost not only his son, but also his wife as well because of my bitterness. I don’t know what else to do or how to feel at this
point. Please advise.
Signed,
Bereaved Betty
Dearest Betty,
Your family has suffered a catastrophic loss and a tragedy that has obviously been extremely life altering. The process
of grief is a long and arduous one, which entails many stages. The five most common stages are: 1) denial, 2) anger,
3) bargaining, 4) depression and 5) acceptance. In the denial stage, the bereaved arestruggling with believing that their loved one has passed on. These experiences are often coupled with shock, fear and confusion. In the anger stage, the
mourning may be extremely “mad” at the dead for dying, other family, friends, society, themselves and even God for
allowing this to happen. Bargaining is defined as the normal reaction to the helplessness and vulnerability that comes
through loss in an attempt to regain control. This stage takes place within the mind by trying to explain the things that
could have been done differently or better. “if only” statements are often used. If only he didn’t go out that night, If only I would have gone to the doctor sooner, etc. The depression stage, characterizes the emptiness that is felt when recognizing that our loved one is gone forever. Some may feel as is if they are living in a fog, have difficulty coping with activities of daily living, have difficulty getting out of bed. Hopelessness and suicidal ideations are also a component of depression. The last stage is acceptance. During this timeframe one has come to terms with their new reality. It is a recognition that there will be some good days and some bad days. However, there will be more good days than the latter. During this phrase, sometimes the bereaved may establish memorials or tributes to their loved ones as a day or occasion of remembrance to honor them. Please recognize, that all of these stages of grief are normal and the period within each will range from person to person. Your family is in varying stages of the grief process. Your husband is in the acceptance stage, your daughter is in the depression stage and you are in the anger stage. It appears as if your husband desires for you to accept that your son is gone and begin to live again without the hostility towards God and to not be a bitter person. I am recommending that you read the following scriptures and allow them to speak to you: Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 73:26 “My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.” Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” Please know that we serve a God that doesn’t want you to hurt or suffer. Death is part of living and as my wise grandmother would often say, “we all have to leave here one day”. To be absent from the body, is to be present with the Lord, 2 Corinthians 5:8. By your own account, your son died a believer, so please know that he is now in heaven with our father. His work here on earth was completed. God wants you to lovingly remember your late son but to also love your husband and daughter whom are still present and need you. I would also recommend that you seek out therapy with a grief counselor that believes in the power of God. I pray that you find the peace and solace that you need to assist you this next chapter of your lives.
Blessings,
Deaconess Debra
