[Love] believes all things, hopes all things…
1 Corinthians 13:7
In the deep private corridors of your heart, there is a room. It’s called the Appreciation Room. It’s where your thoughts go when you encounter positive and encouraging things about your spouse. And every so often, you enjoy visiting this special place.
On the walls are written kind words and phrases describing the good attributes of your mate. These may include characteristics like ‘Honest’ and ‘Intelligent,’ or phrases like ‘diligent worker,’ wonderful cook,’ or ‘beautiful eyes’. They are things you’ve discovered about your husband or wife (over time) that have embedded themselves in your memory. When you think about these things, your appreciation for your spouse begins to increase. In fact, the more time you spend meditating on these positive attributes, the more grateful you are for your mate.
Now the truth of the matter is, most things in the Appreciation Room were likely written in the initial stages of your relationship. You probably could summarize them as the things you liked and respected, or played a significant part in your decision to take the ‘next step’. Still, they were true, honorable and good. And you spent a great deal of time dwelling on them in this room… before you got married. Then afterwards, you probably found that you don’t visit this room as often as you once did. That’s because there is another competing room close by.
Down another darker, colder corridor of your heart lies the ‘Depreciation Room’, and unfortunately you visit there as well. On these walls are written the things that bother and irritate you about your spouse. These things were placed there out of frustration, hurt feelings, anger and the disappointment of unmet expectations.
This room is lined with the weaknesses and failures of your husband or wife. Their bad habits, hurtful words, and poor decisions are written in large letters that cover the walls from one end to the other. If you stay in this room long enough, you get depressed and start expressing things like, “My wife is so selfish” or “My husband can be such a jerk”. Or, the ultimate… “I think I married the wrong person.”
Some people write very hateful things in this room, where tell-off statements are rehearsed over and over again, in preparation for the next argument. Emotional injuries fester here, adding more scathing remarks to the walls. Its where ammunition is kept for the next big fight and bitterness is allowed to spread like a disease. People fall out of love here.
But know this. Spending time in the Depreciation Room kills marriages. Divorces are plotted and sometimes violent plans are schemed. THE MORE TIME YOU SPEND IN THIS PLACE, THE MORE YOUR HEART DEVALUES YOUR SPOUSE. It begins the moment you walk in the door, and your care for them lessens with every seconds that ticks by.
You might be thinking, “but these things are true about him or her!” Yes, but so are the things in the Appreciation Room. Everyone fails and has areas they need growth. Everyone has unresolved issues, hurts, and personal baggage. The truth of the matter is that this is a sad aspect of being human. We have all sinned. But we have this unfortunate tendency to downplay our own negative attributes while putting our spouse’s failures under a magnifying glass.
Let’s get down to the real issue here. Love knows about the Depreciation Room and does not live in denial that it exists. But love chooses not to live there.
You must decide to stop running to this room and lingering there after every frustrating event in your relationship. It does you no good and drains the joy out of your marriage.
Love chooses to believe the best about people… about our husband or wife. It gives them the benefit of the doubt. It refuses to fill in the unknowns with negative assumptions. And even when our worst hopes are proven to be true, love makes every effort to deal with them and move forward. As much as possible and as often as possible, love focuses on the positive.
It’s time to start THINKING DIFFERENTLY. It’s time to let love lead your thoughts and your focus. The only reason you should glance in the door of the Depreciation Room is to know how and what to pray for, for your spouse. And the only reason you should ever go in this room is to write “COVERED IN LOVE” in huge letters across the walls. I think of my sister Trudy and her husband John, and how after over 23yrs of marriage they continue to ‘lift each other’ in prayer. Recognizing and Acknowledging the good between them, and won’t hesitate to speak life to their marriage around others.
It’s time to move into the Appreciation Room, to settle down and make it your home. As you choose to meditate on the positives, you will learn that many more wonderful characteristics can be written across these walls. “Your spouse is a living, breathing, endless book to be read.” Dreams and hopes have yet to be realized. Talents and Abilities may be discovered like hidden treasures. But the choices to explore them starts with a decision by you.
You have to develop the habit of reining in your negative thoughts and focusing on the positive attributes of your mate. This is a crucial step as you learn to lead your heart to truly love your spouse. It is a decision you that you make, whether they deserve it or not.
1 Corinthians 13 — This chapter is dedicated to understanding love.
